www.MuckItTees.com: Our World

July 09, 2005

Why I hate ESPN

Hey, do you remember back in the '90s when ESPN showed Sportscenter constantly, with all the scores set against the simple blue screen, when they played the cool theme song without all the crazy graphics and everything? Those days were awesome. Now? Not so much. Now it's all gimmicks, obnoxious broadcasters who are apparently angling for the own network sitcom. Here, in no particular order, are the reasons I hate ESPN (not to say I don't still watch it constantly).

1) THE ESPYs - According to the network, the ESPYs "celebrate the best in sports." Or some bullshit like that. Here's what ESPN seems to apparently have forgotten. SPORTS celebrates the best in sports. That's the point: there's a winner and a loser. Here's how absurd the ESPYs are: they'll have a category like "best NFL team," and the candidates will include the New England Patriots and maybe one or two other teams. Here's the thing: THE PATRIOTS WON THE SUPER BOWL! They've already established they're the best NFL team. Although I'm sure if Donovan McNabb wins best NFL team award, it will have been all worthwhile. They'll probably have a parade in Philly. And then they'll do "best team," and they'll have the Patriots, the USC Trojans, the UNC Tarheels, and the Spurs all the same category. WHAT THE FUCK?!? How can you possibly compare? Do Dick Vitale and Trev Alberts throw down in a backroom to make sure their sports win? Could this whole thing be any stupider? But wait there's more. I can't remember an exact example, but it's something like this: one year, "Best NBA player" went to Karl Malone. Guess who "Best Overall Athlete" was that year? Michael Jordan. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? How could he not be the best NBA player if he's the best athlete? I'm right, right? Seriously, I feel like I'm Mugatu, taking crazy pills watching this crap (I know that's a Beastie Boys lyric, but I'm the biggest "Zoolander" fan there is, so screw them. I'm not really angry at the Beastie Boys though, I'm angry at the ESPYs).

I think the ESPYs should celebrate what it actually is: a shameless self-promotional gimmick that allows ESPN to "celebrate" its own greatness for three hours. What a joke. And somehow they get all these stars to show up. Seriously, I think I saw Tom Hanks there once. And I'm pretty sure this was well past his "Turner & Hooch" days. Maybe it's because Sam Jackson is always hosting, in his Kangol, reminding you just how much cooler her is than you. What a dork. Man I'm not sure that I can finish this post. My knuckles have gone white.

2) STUART SCOTT - Speaking of dorks, I refuse to pull any punches. I HATE this guy. Why? Because he's a complete embarrassment. Seriously, if I was an African-American journalist, I would be enraged by this guy. With his constant "jive" talk, and his poorly dropped hip-hop references, he just comes off as a total buffoon. Did you see him at the NBA Finals, as a sideline reporter? He's an idiot. Bill Simmons (more on him later) wrote about the NBA Finals, and he put this into one of his columns, which I thought was hysterical:

"I wrote this quote down verbatim in my notebook, only I can't remember who said it now … it was either Michele Tafoya or Stu Scott. Anyway, was there a better sideline report than the one on Lindsey Hunter's sprained ankle before Game 6? It went like this …

"When I asked Lindsey if he was gonna play tonight, he looked at me and he said, 'I ain't no punk.' I say, 'Yo, Lindsey, dawg, can I quote you on that?' He said, 'Yeah you can quote me, I ain't no punk, I played on sprained ankles before.'"

Again, can't remember if it was Tafoya or Scott."

Now Simmons can't shit on ESPN employees blatantly, but I can. It was Stu. Although I'm glad to hear that he gets to call Lindsey Hunter "dawg." He's the man! But you know, it's not just his ridiculous jive and wannabe hip-hip lingo that kills me. It's the fact that he's a TOTAL PHONY. He's gone on record saying that his favorite album of all time is the soundtrack from "West Side Story." Hey, that's fine. I like West Side Story. I was IN West Side Story (I played a shark (one of the Cubans). Surprise! Thanks, racist casting director!). But if that's the case, don't front like you're some hardcore hip-hop head. You're not. My friend Ravi probably said it best. He was watching Stu do NBA highlights one night, when Stu dropped this gem: "Stephon Marbury, 6'2 wanna hit you." Understandably, Ravi freaked out. Stu, do you know what that means? It means YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH STEPHON MARBURY!!! Is that really what you were trying to say? I'm guessing it wasn't. God. If you have no idea what you're saying, don't say it. And ESPN basically gives him free reign, allowing him to do whatever he wants. When Jay "don't call me Jason" Williams played his last game at Duke, Stu Scott did the highlights of the game as a poetry slam. Guess what? It sucked. I mean, violently sucked. I'm pretty sure Dan Patrick openly ripped on him, on air, when he was done.

When Stu did Sportscenter with Rich Eisen (Michigan man), he was more tolerable. I think Eisen somehow was able to keep him in check (probably by saying, "you're a total dork."). But now with Eisen over at the NFL network, Stu is out of control. I really think the decline of ESPN is directly attributable to Stuart Scott. Boo-yah!

3) THE GAME SHOWS - "Stump the Schwab." "Teammates." "Dream Job." Whatever other shitty showsI refuse to watch any of these (although I'll admit to watching some of Dream Job when Anish was in the mix). But I know they're out there. ESPN! Your job is to show and discuss sports! Not have some fat guy in a hockey jersey establish that he's never had a date in his life. These all need to go. If you have time to kill, how about you show PTI again, at a time when people who WORK during the day can watch it (seriously, what's up with showing it at 4:30 CST). Another thing about all these game shows. Guess who hosts pretty much all of them? Stuart Scott. Boo-yah!

4) SKIP BAYLESS - I already wrote about this guy once in a blog posting that got deleted, but I just need to re-emphasize just how much this guy sucks. He writes a column for espn.com. Here's his modus operandi for all his columns: comes up with the stupidest idea he can possibly think of, and then comes up with something MUCH MUCH stupider. Then he writes about that. Passionately. But idiotically. He writes stupid shit just so people read his column. But he doesn't know anything! Here are some examples: 1) '99 US Open, Mickelson's wife was 9 months pregnant, Phil is carrying a beeper, saying that if she goes into labor, he'll be paged, and no matter where he is, even if he's winning, he's leaving to be with her. Mickelson (not yet fat) was universally praised as being a great husband and soon-to-be-father for having his priorities in order. Guess who the one guy to criticize him was. Skip Bayless, who felt Phil "owed it to himself" to finish the tournament. Hey Skip? Shut the fuck up. Seriously. 2) 1999 NBA Draft, m Chicago Bullies have the #1 pick in the draft, and the general concensus is that they'll take either Elton Brand, Steve Francis, or Lamar Odom (all of whom, by the way, are good, if not great players today). Skip (who was writing for the Chicago Tribune at the time, before he got run out fo town - really) writes an empassioned column about how the Bulls should take high schooler Dasagna Diop. Oh, you haven't heard of him? Exactly. I'm not sure he's even in the league anymore. I'm almost positive that Skip never saw this stiff play, or knew that he'd had multiple knee surgeries in high school. He just figured that, without doing any research, he'd throw some shit against the wall, and see if it stuck. Guess what Skip? It didn't. So Skip? Shut the fuck up. Seriously. 3) Just a couple of weeks ago, Skip wrote that if Annika Sorenstam devoted herself to the PGA Tour full time, she'd win an event within two years. I'm not going to even begin to discuss how stupid this is. Hey Skip? Well, you know. Seriously.

If having his own column wasn't enough he's on TV ALL THE TIME. How is this possible? Seriously, he's damn-close to clinically retarded. I pray that he wins the lottery and decides to retire, just so I never have to see or hear from him again.

So these are the reasons I hate ESPN. Bill Simmons (the best thing about espn.com, so long as he's not writing about the Red Sox), always jokes about what he's going to do when he's running ESPN6. I'm saying screw 6, he should be running ESPN1 and whip that place into shape. Because good lord does it suck right now. Why can't we just have Berman and Patrick reading scores constantly?

Boo-yah!

60 Comments:

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger fdfs said…

    Hey there! I don't really follow many team sports, but I happened on your blog and just kept reading! It takes a good writer to hook a reader who doesn't have much interest in the subject, and that's what you did with this hilarious post. Nice blog!

     
  • At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That was one of the great bitches I've ever read! Give us more!

     
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  • At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I was looking for a website dedicated to hateing ESPN, but i found your blog. Brilliance!

     
  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I googled "I hate ESPN" and found your article. Without taking the time to go into detail, I'll simply say that I agree with all of your points, except for your take on Bill Simmons. He sucks, too. (The only people who care about Boston sports LIVE in Boston.) And if I hear one more promo for ESPN Mobile, I'm going to throw my TV off my balcony.

    Sadly, I don't know that another "all sports" network will ever challenge ESPN's dominance. However, individual leagues and teams will create their own niche networks which will put a serious dent into their viewership.

    Ever wonder why ESPN shows paintball and darts these days. SEE: DirecTV and NFL Network.

     
  • At 8:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i also googled "i hate espn." as for your blog, the mid-90's were the glory years for espn.

     
  • At 12:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I also googled "I hate ESPN" and came across your excellent entry. I think you missed a few things though: Chris Berman (complete ass); Mike Irvin (speaking of clinically retarded); THE FUCKING HYPE-FEST!!! ____[fill in this week's best college football match-up is the best game in history. Also the sappy ass stories about the kid with cancer getting to visit his favorite football team -- FUCK YOU ESPN. They make a mockery of some poor kids illness and play that shit sappy music in the background. I HATE THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DIE!

     
  • At 1:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just Googled "I hate stuart scott" and found this page, you have lots of good points, although Berman has turned into a parody of himself.

    Setting up the highlights for the Cheifs/Colts playoff game...Scott says, after a shot of Dungy and Edwards, "Two African American coaches show'n love for each otha." It made me cringe with embarrassment. Why isn't he in obscurity? I'm thinking it's ESPN trying to fill their employee quota...2 birds with one stone, race and handicap.

    Thanks for letting me vent, i'm going to check out your other stuff now.

     
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  • At 1:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yes! Stuart Scott bashing!! It's always the best. I hate this guy with a passion. He's just one of the MANY things that are annoying about this so called, "sports network"! I'm going to quote one of the many infamous Stuart Scott lines: "Dwight Howard gettin' some bunnies on a reverse badooka dunk!" LOL. Does this guy even hear himself speak! He's such an f'in nerd dork faggot!!
    ESPN's favorite teams are as follows: Ohio State, Dallas Cowboys, Notre Dame, Michigan, Yanks, Red Sox, USC, UCLA, and any other big name sports organization that they can get ratings off of! Not a fan of any of these teams? Too bad! If your team doesn't operate in a huge money hungry market, it will not get mentioned. That's how it is. They're a freakin' sports network, cover everybody!
    Hey, Bill Walton! Shut the hell up, you're an idiot, listen to yourself speak! Steve "the snapper" Jones used to put this guy in his place, but now he's nowhere to be found. Now, Brent Barry has to fill snapper's shoes and does a wonderful job calling out the knowledgable, Bill Walton. Stop over exaggerating every single thing and just call the damn game Bill.
    More annoying announcers that work for ESPN: Brent Musburger, Mike Patrick, Kirk Herbstreet (ESPN Crony), Steve Lavin (ESPN Crony), Rick Majerus (good lord! who made you an announcer!), Berman (The head chief of the ESPN Cronies’), Tony Reali (This guy's got his head up JA Adande's ass! You're another nerd that doesn't even know it!)
    Michael Eisner and Disney can kiss my ass! You don't know what people want to see! Money is the root of all evil!

     
  • At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I also hate ESPN, but watch it chronically --not to mention espn radio... Thank god for espn.com, the only redeeming thing about this network.

    And Bill Simmons and Max Kellerman deserve a PTI-type show where they just go at eachother, constantly debating Boston vs. New York sports teams. That would be classic TV (for boston and NY fans anyways...but does anyone else really matter?)

     
  • At 1:25 AM, Blogger dthom71 said…

    I truly hate those bitches over at espn. the senationalistic whores.

     
  • At 7:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Judging from the recent coverage of sports news events, I believe ESPN stands for the "Everyone Should Patriot-Hate Network."

    What about coverage of Kevin Everett and his recovery? I hate ESPN, they are like the Enquirer or Weekly World News of Sports.

     
  • At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well said, I wish you were in charge of ESPN. I never thought it would happen, but I find myself watching ESPN less and less.

     
  • At 5:35 PM, Anonymous nickname said…

    another google of "i hate espn" here. love to read this stuff. it was funny how les miles busted on them today and then in the studio they tried to play it off like he was just being emotional because it was game day. yeah that wouldn't have anything to do with the fact you just said he was changing schools right before LSU's big game and he had to tell his whole team it wasn't true.

    If you want to see more problems with espn, check out www.sportsblog.ws.

    Keep up the good work!

     
  • At 2:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wtf is up with espn. Only thing they got going for them is poker and football and today jan. 23 I went to watch the poker that espn advertised having and guess what. It was goddamn tennis! The only man sport that aint full contact is poker why would i want to watch to homos batting a ball around back and fourth with a gay, one pound racket. Wtf is 15 LOVE???
    I dont really care that they have tennis on do what they want. Just dont post it up on the guide so when i go to drink my beer and watch my prerecorded recorded 2007 WSOP Tour which i have probably seen 25 times already i see to homos batting a ball around. Now this happened not once but twice. I went to email them a letter but for some reason i have to register to their crappy web site so i figure i'd post it up in this nice website of why other people hate espn. Great job y'all keep it up.

     
  • At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the worst is the overdramatized crap side stories that I don't care about that cut into the coverage of an event. Seriously, just cover the sports, leave the drama to the oxygen channel.

     
  • At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ESPN thinks its so powerful, they write the stories, not report them.
    Add NFL Countdown Crew to your list and it's mine too. Berman thinks he's a star, Tom is along for the ride, Keyshawn is an idiot..bitching at T.O. and Chad Johnson (who acted that way 1st Key?) Ditka looks like he's like to be anywhere else and why is Chris Carter even on TV?
    Wonder why FOX is #1?

     
  • At 4:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow!! this is the gospel right here! finally someone who not only shares my disdain for espn, but of sufficient intelligence to recognize the decline of espn now. Your right, back in the day it was so innovative, a whole network dedicated solely on sports. Now, they more annoy me than inform me. All of their broadcasters, they're not funny, their not entertaining, stop, and just do your damn job, which is report scores and highlights. I actually like skip bayless though, but I USED to like stuart, until he decided to become a full time rapper. Thats what he does now right? "as cool as the other side of the pillow" and "buck is when internal artestry.." blah blah blah, shut uuuuuup! you're doing way to much! Whoever is in charge needs to be fired more swiftly then lane kiffin.(jk hes cool, I thought it was funny tho. And T.O. wow...he must have walked into their building and took a shit right in the middle of their studio b/c they cant stand him. I'm not talking like a beef or disagreement, im talking like, if they get the chance they would have him cut into 81 pieces with a chainsaw type of hate. Ironically, even tho I hate them, I will still watch because they're are some things I still like, they always have news first because everyone's one their joc, and some of their shows are entertaining. But still..fuck them.

     
  • At 5:34 PM, Anonymous John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt said…

    Another googled "I hate ESPN"! This network is so full of clowns who try to make it about them and not sports. Here are the good people at the network: Peter Gammons, Ed Werder, Mike Tirico, Michael Wilbon. THATS IT!

    This is such shameless self-promotion, I dont listen to ESPN radio, watch their shows or anything. Being a sports fan I will watch their games, but when I'm at home, 9 times out of 10 the mute button will be on.

    Top 10 WORST people:
    -Stuart Scott
    -Colin Cowherd
    -Mike and Mike
    -Kenny Mayne (yeah I said it!)
    -Dick Vitale
    -Kirk Herbstreit
    -Skip Bayless
    -Tony Reali
    -Jim Rome
    -Keyshawn Johnson

     
  • At 9:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I saw Staurt SCOTT at the ESPN draft party...this guy was up to no good on this white chick. It was funny because some dude tried to take his picture and he freaked out. Cant stand him or Berman. Berman is just FUCKING ANNOYING!!

     
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